Today is the most terrible day in 2 years. With confusions, uncertainties, fears and unknowns all came at once, my soul is struggling badly; I nearly cried while driving back home. Its such a moment that I wish that there is someone beside me that I can express all my feelings to. BUT, my phone is out of service due to large amount of calls made during my trip in Istanbul. And while I am back home, my mom is pathing besides the phone doing something so I can’t make any phone calls because….
Recently I have been given a new role and assignment. I am glad that there are people who believe on my ability. Due to the high beliefs from them, I have been constantly trying not to let those people down. The more they believe, the word “lost” in my heart tends to grow bigger and bigger.
Yes, I am going to be promoted as a manager that will be dealing with contracts. Switching from technical background that always dealing with numbers, statistics and graphs to this unknown world. Well I guess they are trying to stop me from this comfort zone hehehe. I started to realize that the word “confidence” is so hard let down because of living recognitions.
The meeting today was a tragedy. As an observer, I realized that I understood nearly 5% in the conversation only. The worst thing was I have to pretend that I know because of the presense of knowledgeable people. I quickly note down the terms that I dont understand on my cell phone and prepare to check my dictionary while I am back (I know I can get a good answer from my boss but I choose not to because of my strong ego to perform, sad isn’t it?). I started to realize that I am so weak, and I can’t accept how unprofessional I am. I looked up 3 dictionaries (with only underwear on) on the word “consignment” but not a single description truely satisfies me. So I called my collegue from the marketing department and got an answer, finally! I asked myself why I am acting that way.
The worst is yet to come. My boss gave me over 100 contracts and agreement to study and expecting for a Q&A session next week to test my brain power; the ex-manager is still unwilling to let go his old task so my invasion is intentionally slowed down due to respect his position; the best man has transfered so I need to recruit a new one; a fierce lady accountant is transferring to this department; the big boss had a misconception about me because I missed a meeting that was not informed; my boss wanted me to have some fire in the belly because I am a soft spoken person.
After dinner and played some games and listened to some Turkish songs, I became to realize one thing; I have been holding my ego so strong that I am not willing to let go; I have been listening too many compliments and unwilling to throw away my own self to start learning again. I have failed on my “self” today because I afraid of failing.
Suddenly, I became to understand that this is in fact a great apportunity for me and it will be a good turning point to grow even further. If I can successfully encounter all these obstacles, the feeling must be great! Because I can learn something new in my life from constant stimulatons. So I became motivated again (with some music) and finally finished outlining the documents for tonight. Well, finally i can sleep. hehehe.
My dear collegues, thanks for the ones that felt happy for me and to the ones that wished me success and thanks in advance to the coming party which will be organize by my sweet cousin Tammy. I am really touched from all these small little things. I expect there will be some gossips but I hope they can be happy for me also.